There are several things that keep playing in my mind OVER and OVER again, like a broken record at night when I am exhausted and trying to fall asleep. If I do fall asleep, one of the kids may wake up with a bad dream, and then I am back to square one...trying to relax enough to fall back asleep. What are these little thoughts that creep into my mind?
1. Work: thinking of all the trainings I need to do each day, my employees work ethic, hiring new employees, phone calls to make, reminders to give, etc. I get very annoyed when I find myself doing this b/c work is the LAST thing I want to think about when Jared and I are both pulling in 50+ hour work weeks. ugh!
SO....I try to quickly change my mind as soon as I feel myself wandering into the DirectBuy world...
2. My baby: thoughts and concerns as to whether or not he is healthy, if he is moving enough, if he is growing, if I will be able to be his mother here on earth, etc. I think about the nursery that I have YET to set up (or buy any of our crib/dressers because we left it all in El Paso). I think about how I will juggle being a new mama again, plus a working mama and it worries me. I think about hypnobirthing (can I really go all natural again and enjoy it?), breast feeding, I think about entertaining my toddlers at the same time, I think about how I won't be getting a baby shower with this one b/c I feel so lonely with so few friends here in Maryland....
Which leads me to another thought....
3. My friends: My closest friends are in AZ and I rarely get to talk to any of them. With three hours of a time difference, we are always on opposite schedules. When I wake up, they are sleeping, when I go to work, they are barely getting kids ready for school, when I get home, they are at sports afterschool, when I go to bed, they are making dinner....and by the time it's even 11pm for me...it's only 8pm for them and they may barely be getting their own kids to bed! I miss them SO much. I get scared that we may be losing our close connection that we have shared for years and I feel jealous knowing that I am the one missing out here since I am the one that left and now feels so alone and isolated. I don't have any time to branch out with new friends here, working 10 am-9pm really leaves NO time for anything.....
which leads me to think...
4. Just another thing to add to my "poor me" self is the fact that I am also no longer working out! I am still getting set up to teach aerobic classes at the gym, but the reality is that I haven't been to the gym for a month now, and with a growing plump body, you can imagine the roller coaster of emotions that I am feeling with my soft, round body. I embrace being pregnant, but I am NOT okay when I am NOT working out. It's part of who I am and I need it.
So....I close my eyes once again, I try to focus in on a beach with crashing waves as I think of dream land, and I do my best to wake up with a positive attitude. I will admit, I am excited for this "stage" in my life to be done and over with. I know there are brighter days ahead and I just hope I can get enough shut eye to enjoy them.
7 comments:
oh man, I am about in tears. I miss YOU SOO much! I think about you every single day even though it is true- it's near impossible to talk. I wish for our 10 grocery shopping trip with popsicles, the YMCA (nursing in the car on the way, the mall trips to Body Central, az bike week, etc. etc. I hope that we can talk so very soon and I am so sad you feel so alone. I can't wait for this stage (working) to be over for you to! I hate it for you. You are amazing though, and you are doing a wonderful job- I know. You are someone that we all look up to. Hang in there!! I sure miss you!
Lots of hugs for you. Arianne is right, you are doing a great job juggling it all. Just keep hanging in there. Rely on the Lord for strength and patience and peace. Love you!
you must have the big picture in mind... the place where you and jared are headed, to make this all worth it. you're working toward your dream and what you want for your family. I'm sorry it's so rough along the way, hopefully you can take a few little breathers just long enough to know that this craziness is leading to someplace fabulous!
I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how hard that would be! We'll say prayers for you.
Sorry girl. I know how you feel about no friends. I am sure you will get through this and things will get better. You are a terrific woman, mother, etc... Quite worrying about a thing!
Know that i feel a little bit of what your going through! It's hard times for sure...
You are one of those amazing mothers, teachers and great friends that i think of offten!!
I love to think back on the fun times with us all..cycles classes 5am, shopping and always wanting the same thing, date nights, visiting you at school, late nights painting and doing vinyl, watching oprah together, park time, long talks and many good laughs!!
I sure hope things slow down for you after the baby comes. Big hugs and kisses!!
You are so super amazing! I don't know how you are doing it! I hear you on the staring at the ceiling trying to sleep. I actually used the hypnobirthing stuff to help me go to sleep--I'd play the tapes or CDs when I lay down and it helped so much to focus and quiet my mind. I still should use that since I always have trouble sleeping. You seriously are a super-mom! We love you so much!
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