Birthday boy

My sweet boy turned five, and what did he get?

Two teeth pulled, and purple jell-o to help soothe the loss (he also got popcorn with a movie, go figure)
A Chuck E Cheese birthday party 3 days late
Sahuarita Festival party (where a 1000 people came, according to him)
Red Vines to share (no traditional "cupcakes") and a treasure box toy from Kindergarten
A new Spiderman toy and truck from grandma/pipa, with rainbow cupcakes
































Wesley:
Why is everything made in China?
I keep thinking what would Jesus do: share a snack, give gum to April, carry Austin's backpack
prayer: vos estas feliz porque tu chico Jesus se bautizo para ser el ejemplo

Another move...why not?

People who hear that we are moving AGAIN just shake their heads, give out a little chuckle and make obnoxious comments like, "You guys like to move." Um....who in their right mind LIKES to move? Not us. We never have. Never will. One of the only benefits to moving is you get to de-clutter your junk and deep clean. Who likes the never ending taping up of boxes, living out of a suitcase, eating food from your freezer for months (vs. fresh), cleaning out the house you move out of...and usually cleaning the house you are moving into, losing neighbors and paying "start up" fees for utilities? Oh joy!

We have moved a lot. In our eight year of marriage it's been pretty crazy. Whether it was for a new real estate investment, a job transfer, or business adventure...we have made these moves b/c we have been trying to get a little ahead in life, not b/c we wanted to.

I might as well break it down:

1. Cedar City, UT (Aug-Dec 2002), South Gate Apt
2. Nogales, AZ (Dec 2002-May 2003) Molina house
3. Provo, UT (May 2003-June 2003) Small basement apt
4. Provo, UT (June 2003- May 2004) Small basement apt #2
5. Chandler, AZ (May 2004 - Jan 2005) Spring Brook apts
6. Mesa, AZ (Jan 2005-June 2005) Rental
7. Florence, AZ (June 2005-Sept 2005) First real estate investment home, rented it out
8. Surprise, AZ (Sept 2005-March 2005) First Beazer home, sold it
9. Surprise, AZ (March 2005-June 2005) Rental while waiting for Custom to be built
10. Surprise, AZ (June 2005-June 2006) Custom home (A.K.A. "The Termite-infested Money Pit")
11. El Paso, TX (June 2006-Jan 2008) Apts behind Target
12. El Paso, TX (Jan 2008-April 2008) Country Oaks remodeled home, sold it
13. Gaithersburg, MD (April 2008- March 2009) Rental
14. Surprise, AZ (March 2009- October 2009) Custom home, short sold it (over 300K lost)
15. Surprise, AZ (October 2009-October 2010) Rental
16. UPCOMING HOME IN MARLEY PARK, SURPRISE AZ

I have boxed up and unpacked all the boxes, and Jared has loaded and unloaded the moving vans all but two of these times. It is exhausting! We consider ourselves experts at packing in the breakables inside the linens, or how to stack up the boxes in the U-haul. This next time, we have 1/2 of our house already boxed up from our LAST move, as well as have many of the boxes still in the garage. It's pretty sad when you consider not throwing away boxes b/c you might be moving again sooner than you like.

We will be doing this move in two days. No biggie. Get it in, get it out, get it done. At least it is in the low 100's this time of year, unlike a move we made back in 2005 in the dead of AZ summer.

The home we are purchasing came off of a short sale (better titled, "everlasting sale.") With some hiccups, chokes, gasps and stressful waits, the keys are finally in our hands...as of this afternoon. Jared is right now busy swapping out light fixtures, appliances and throwing out the previous owners junk.

The house has a strong foundation, but boy is it a pig stye! It will take some serious elbow grease to get out all of the built in dust, dirt, food, and stains that are throughout the house. Because of the neglect, we are having to replace all of the flooring and re-paint the house. It will be an exciting project...pics soon to be posted.

So, this week will be in demolotion mode, painting, cleaning and oh yea...boxing up, working full time, keeping up with my kids, cleaning the current rental...and moving out. I am tired already!

Incompetent

I am having one of those days...

Not so much a self pity party...

But, definitely not on my "A" game...

I just feel overwhelmed with my job right now. The thought of having to mold, influence, teach, help, be productive and effective.

So much goes into teaching. And yet I feel so underpaid. So unappreciated. So worn out. So frustrated at my own weaknesses and faults.

For example, I am teaching math outside of our curriculum book b/c my students are below level (it's a new book, and they are still trying to catch up). It's dang hard to be finding lesson plans, objectives, activities, assessments and homework ALL on your own! How did people do this without the internet? I have no idea...I am barely making it work WITH the google world.

I want to feel like I am helping my students "master" the different educational goals. Yet, I feel so incompetent in so many areas! I want to be able to allow them to flourish and grow...but, how do you do that when you are constantly reminding kids to stay on task, to not back talk you, to turn in homework (micromanaging), to stay seated, to find more and more work to assign and then grade, to be cheerful and give out "positive" energy for all of those kids, am I walking around the room enough, do my students feel loved and respected???

The thought of work keeps me stressed at night...especially when I feel so inadequate alongside my fellow teachers. This is like my first year ALL over again, in this new realm. What to do? How to do it? Where to go? Where do I find a writing rubric? What are the benchmarks for 5th grade? What do I give out for parent teacher conference work samples? Who needs intervention, or IEP pull outs? Am I reaching all of my students' different levels? Is there professional development this week? Are we going on service field trips? AAAAHHHH!!!

Not to mention we are hoping to move in a few weeks...have yet to pack b/c we don't have a move in date...and I miss Isaac everyday (his feedings, laying him down to take a nap, even changing his diapers), cleaning my home little by little everyday, attending my fun gym classes, going grocery shopping with just one in tow (or even just during the daytime vs. the 4pm-scramble-home-from-school), and having more than just 2 hours to unwind/catch up with laundry and dinner.

My heartbeat is racing. It's already 9pm...bedtime is closing in on me...again. I feel anxious. I feel bloated from too many brownies (as my usual sugar outlet), and my mind is spinning with all the future holds for me.

It is nice hearing the laundry click click in the dryer, such a peaceful sound.
I also have my dishes done, counters cleaned (not cleared), and kitchen floor vacuumed.
I do have three sweet boys dreaming upstairs about Nacho Libre (their movie of choice).
I am grateful for a healthy body and strong will to keep me going at 4:10am, hit the gym, back by 5:45am, out the door with all kiddos by 6:30am. Gotta work out to keep up with the brownies!

Life isn't so bad...just stressful...

infertile

My thoughts:

Started Aunt Flo again. I am feeling so frustrated, sad, discouraged and upset. Why can't Jared and I get pregnant? It's been almost a full YEAR since we began this journey. I feel like everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant, yet I go month after month still waiting for our time. I feel frustrated b/c I feel like this is a righteous desire that we have. It makes me question myself as a mother. Does God see me as an unfit parent? Does he feel like I would not do a good job having 4 kids to raise? Am I only meant to have 3? Yet, I feel so strongly that our family is not done.

At first we were hoping to be in the FBI, and with Jared's 5 month potential "training," it would be hard to have a baby if he were to be gone. Well, when that dream evaporated, it only made sense for me to go ahead and get prego without having that FBI time line. Then, Jared couldn't get work. 10 months of waiting, applying, praying, fasting, blah blah blah...nothing. It only seemed like another reason to wait for a baby; because we didn't have any health insurance.

So, I got hired back on as a teacher with my school...and insurance was then provided. Why o why can we not get prego now??? I feel as though we have had plenty of opportunities for "growth" and "patience" this last year. I am not getting any younger, after having just turned 31. Isaac is now 20 months old...do I really have to have such a large gap in between siblings? I remember wanting to be prego by December of last year, when we went to visit my mom in Argentina. I wanted to surprise her with the "great news." That was such a long time ago...and here I am with an empty womb.

It's such an embarrassing thing to even want to admit. We already have 3 wonderful children. I love them. I want more. I want to share that love. I want to have a large family. Jared feels the same.

The thought crossed our minds that perhaps we will never get prego again. Does that mean we are to look into adoption? I went on the LDS family services website and browsed through some of the profiles. What a hard waiting game for any family. Waiting to be picked by some sweet mother. Trying to "sell" yourself on why YOU are the perfect match for her unborn child. Trying to prove what a perfect life you could provide for the baby. I am not opposed to adoption, but I've never really thought of it as an option.

So...here's to yet another month of playing the waiting game. I bought some ovulation kits this time around and perhaps that will give me a better idea of what to expect. I also scheduled an appt with an OBGYN to get further advice.

Here we go again.

No comments are necessary. I feel like I have heard it all....again and again and again.