There are some things that I think about as the week goes on.
Every morning feels like a groundhog day....early morning work out, rush home to get ready, and then escape to school to usually arrive 5 minutes late.
I really miss seeing the morning sunlight in my house. I leave when it is dark, I come home at sunset...usually after 5pm. I go to the grocery store twice a week (to get in and out within 45 min at both spots with Wes and Austin in tow). As much as I want to go and scoop up Isaac, his babysitter is so out of the way...I always pick him up at the last hour of the day.
Then comes dinner...or baseball practice. I make home-cooked meals nightly, but there is hardly any time for "prep" when the boys come home starving. Once in a while I will crockpot a meal, but just the slicing and dicing of veggies sends Isaac into a meltdown mode as he pushes me away from the countertop and screams, "eat!" If I can plop him into his high chair with a yogurt...before I go pee, or put down my purse, or take off my shoes, or catch my breath... I can usually get him to cooperate.
While meal preparing, I am trying to get interactions with my boys; how was the school day (details beyond recess and lunch), did you read your 20 minutes, let's get started with homework, come unload the dishwasher, etc. I feel bad b/c the boys need "down time" too. I want them to play with toys or watch t.v. But, there is no time!
Efforts are made to read scriptures during dinner time. We only get it done probably 2x's a week realistically. Dinner then turns into a "scarfing" down experience where the boys rush off to bed or to baseball...sigh...and the kitchen is left a whirlwind disaster. I can't decide what is more important; getting to bed on time or scriptures.
Put the kids to bed...try to spend time with Isaac (throwing a ball or wrestling)...and although I am not in any mood to clean or vacuum up the crumbs...the kitchen duty is always hovering over my head.
It's usually 8:30pm before everyone is asleep, the kitchen is picked up (no desire or energy to really scrub down the counters, wipe down the refrigerator door or tidy up...things I used to do every few hours when I stayed at home), and I am really just irritable and tired. 9:45 bedtime creeps up so quickly for me. I want to be able to read a book, plan meals by food blog searching, play the piano (we have yet to buy), rent a Red Box or watch Biggest Loser on line...but, that requires sacrifice of sleep for me!
I have yet to unpack my suitcase from last weekends trip to San Antonio, the boys school work is thrown all over my kitchen table from 3 days ago, I have 3 piles of laundry to fold and put away on my upstairs couch, my legs haven't been shaved in 3 days, we have baby spiders that just hatched in Wesley's room, and we have pigeons who are making nests all over the outside of our house with poop droppings covering our garage...did I mention I need to catch up in my boys' journals, take more pictures and plan our monthly menu?
All of this overwhelms me. I think, "How can I keep working like this?" I miss the low key moments and stillness that I used to feel. Now I feel rushed, stressed out and to my limit. I keep on plugging along though, b/c as much as I want to be not working as much....I HAVE to work to help make ends meet.
It's a different story when you feel like you HAVE to work vs. WANT to work.
Gratitude Adrienne. Be grateful to have a job.
Positive things about being a school teacher; involved in my children's education, educating myself within the curriculum (remembering how to do GCF and 6 traits of writing, etc), and having a daily purpose.
There are moments in my week where I feel very impatient with my students too. For example, why ask me how to do your work when you chose to not pay attention in class, and then refused to read the directions on the worksheet? No! I will not do your work for you! This is done over and over again...by the same students. Not only do they drive me crazy, but they are then inside with me during MY lunch hour and MY prep time asking those same questions...and not allowing me 20 minutes of silences so I can get MY work done. Ugh....can't handle it!
So, I guess this post is just to put my feelings out there. I know that it won't be like this forever. But, I just feel one step behind in my housework, interactions with my kids, and finances. I want to be able to spend $10 on a shirt and not feel guilty about our budget. I want to be able to spend the morning cleaning and doing laundry, or going to a park, or VT. I want to be able to potty train Isaac when he turns 2, and not have to wait until summer vacation to have time. I want to not feel "committed" to work for the next few years...but, let it be an option vs. a necessity.
I just feel like I am working so hard and not getting any more ahead. I try to think of options to get me back home, but at this point, there are none.
I realize that these are all "If...Then" statements:
If I were at home, then I would be more organized and have a cleaner home. If I weren't working, then I would be more patient with my own children and do crafts with them. If I were still teaching aerobics, then I would be in better shape (when in reality, I am still working out just as hard...but, my sugar cravings have NOT changed in years...and that is where those 5 extra lbs come from). If I had more money, I could have a new wardrobe and then feel like a better working professional. If I were able to have another baby, then I would feel more complete. If....then....if....then....
The reality is....I need to just count my blessings for the present. Period.
Today is Saturday. I just made waffles for my boys. I will get the floors mopped and bathrooms scrubbed. (How does a house get SO DIRTY when no one is here during the week???) I will feel better. Isaac pulled up a box of Huggies and is now "working alongside me" as he slaps the computer:
hg giuugjh
Here I am blogging when I should be doing my chores...
Off we go...
