I am having one of those days...
Not so much a self pity party...
But, definitely not on my "A" game...
I just feel overwhelmed with my job right now. The thought of having to mold, influence, teach, help, be productive and effective.
So much goes into teaching. And yet I feel so underpaid. So unappreciated. So worn out. So frustrated at my own weaknesses and faults.
For example, I am teaching math outside of our curriculum book b/c my students are below level (it's a new book, and they are still trying to catch up). It's dang hard to be finding lesson plans, objectives, activities, assessments and homework ALL on your own! How did people do this without the internet? I have no idea...I am barely making it work WITH the google world.
I want to feel like I am helping my students "master" the different educational goals. Yet, I feel so incompetent in so many areas! I want to be able to allow them to flourish and grow...but, how do you do that when you are constantly reminding kids to stay on task, to not back talk you, to turn in homework (micromanaging), to stay seated, to find more and more work to assign and then grade, to be cheerful and give out "positive" energy for all of those kids, am I walking around the room enough, do my students feel loved and respected???
The thought of work keeps me stressed at night...especially when I feel so inadequate alongside my fellow teachers. This is like my first year ALL over again, in this new realm. What to do? How to do it? Where to go? Where do I find a writing rubric? What are the benchmarks for 5th grade? What do I give out for parent teacher conference work samples? Who needs intervention, or IEP pull outs? Am I reaching all of my students' different levels? Is there professional development this week? Are we going on service field trips? AAAAHHHH!!!
Not to mention we are hoping to move in a few weeks...have yet to pack b/c we don't have a move in date...and I miss Isaac everyday (his feedings, laying him down to take a nap, even changing his diapers), cleaning my home little by little everyday, attending my fun gym classes, going grocery shopping with just one in tow (or even just during the daytime vs. the 4pm-scramble-home-from-school), and having more than just 2 hours to unwind/catch up with laundry and dinner.
My heartbeat is racing. It's already 9pm...bedtime is closing in on me...again. I feel anxious. I feel bloated from too many brownies (as my usual sugar outlet), and my mind is spinning with all the future holds for me.
It is nice hearing the laundry click click in the dryer, such a peaceful sound.
I also have my dishes done, counters cleaned (not cleared), and kitchen floor vacuumed.
I do have three sweet boys dreaming upstairs about Nacho Libre (their movie of choice).
I am grateful for a healthy body and strong will to keep me going at 4:10am, hit the gym, back by 5:45am, out the door with all kiddos by 6:30am. Gotta work out to keep up with the brownies!
Life isn't so bad...just stressful...
10 comments:
i'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. I love you girl. You're moving again! I can't believe it! Well, I can, but I can't. What's the move for this time? I hope you're okay. remember how amazing you are
Whew. I feel for you girl. I am sorry that you are struggling right now. That is a big task. I am sure that you are reaching more of them than you know. Hang in there. I am sure soon you will feel like you have more of a routine that you can live with (hopefully). Sure do miss and love you.
Teachers have the hardest job ever! I don't know how you do it! You sound like you are doing the best thing possible for you students... you really care about them!
Ugh. That sounds really really hard. I do not envy you. Being a mom is hard enough all by itself. Hang in there. One day at a time.
Just remember you are one of the few and far between teachers who go the extra mile, who do their job for an intrinsic reward. My husband works with a lot of awful, burnt out teachers. Your students are blessed to have you! They may not realize it until they are adults and look back and remember that one influential teacher in their life: you!
I've been catching up on your blog the past couple days. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Hopefully all of your worries are temporary, and pass before you know it. When I have gone through some of these similar things, it has made me so much more grateful than I was before (easier to do once things pan out) and made me a better person a result.
You have so much on your plate right now....hopefully this is just temporary and you can get back to being home with your boys soon :o) It sounds like you are an amazing teacher, your students are lucky to have you.
It's always such a balancing act no matter what you're doing in life. You're stressed because you care. Just remember to pace yourself and that you can't do every single thing well. I have a huge to do list that I never get everything done on everyday. BUT, don't give up. You can do it!!!
Hi Friend. Sorry its been so long since I got on to see how you are. Honestly, I've been self obsorbed in my own self-pitty. I'm sorry the classroom has proven to be a difficult arena. But their is one thing you have to remember: it is not your fault these kids are behind. For a lot of them it is because their parents haven't taken the initiative or the responisibility they have to be parents like they should. You can't make up for years of lost guidence all by yourself. So do the best you can, but realize its not your fault that they need so much extra disipline and attention. And I'm sure it will come more easily once you get your curriculum together and youre not a "first-year" teacher anymore. But cut yourself some slack! Amen- teachers are underappreicated and underpaid. But teachers teach because they love kids and they want to make a difference. You're doing it because you care, so don't be too hard on yourself.
And I'll put my comment to your other post here as well. I hear you. It's never easy to wait. Especially when there is no logically explaination for it. It took us two years of trying to get this pregancy. I don't have a clue why. There is no medical explanation for it. For some reason one day it was just "time." I think sometimes there is no reason other than we just need to keep trusting the Lord knows what is best for us. But that doesn't make it easy during the waiting. Especially when you've experienced a lost preganacy in there is as well. Only a women who has experienced these things can really understand the pain that accompanies them. It hurts. It hurts bad. And you see people holding their babies and for me, I found myself distancing myself from them because it just hurt. Especially when people starting having their babies the time my lost baby was due. Everytime I saw them I would think, my baby would be 3 months, 5 months, 6 months old now. Today my baby would have been 9 months old. You know how it is. It really stinks!!! But we signed up to come here for pain, and it's through the pain that we grow. You and Jared are wonderful parents and I have no doubt that the Lord will bless you again. I know what you mean about feeling bad when you are already blessed with children. Children do bring you great comfort, but there is still an ache of a longing mother. But take comfort in those beautiful boys until the time is right. You still have a lot of life ahaed of you. The Lord hears your prayers. One day it will be "time" for you too. I had a realization the other day- there is some kind of connection between pain and life. Just like we must go through pain to bring life into this world, the Savior felt unsurmountable pain inorder to give us our spiritual and eternal lives. He KNOWS pain. Let him help you carry yours! I love you! I pray you can make it through these difficult times.
Hey you...I know the feeling. Random thought but have you tried KenKen puzzles?? They have math in them and they're fun. I don't know exactly the level of your kids at school but if you go to kenken.com and sign up as a teacher they'll send you free puzzles! I like them. Too bad they don't have Spanish puzzles! ;) Hang in there. He helps us...I know he does...or else I wouldn't survive every year. Hugs from Cali...good luck with the move!
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