I need to put myself in a time out....Sometimes I feel like my blog is only showing the happy and pleasant parts of my life....all the pictures seem so perfect as we are smiling away and all together. The reality is, is that I am going through some serious hard times during this time of transition that Jared is away from us. I hope to look back at these last 6+ months someday and just feel grateful that we got through it alive (and probably will need some marriage counseling!)
Just right now, Wesley and Austin have been fighting over a silly pencil sharpener, only to have it break into a million pieces and throw the shavings all over the floor. Isaac has been crying for 1.5 hours to take a nap that he missed b/c we were at church. I miss having someone else around to bounce off the emotions of the children and give ME a break from their madness!
It's hard to go to church alone, it's hard to be the one who always disciplines, it's hard doing the shopping for groceries and know that none of those meals will ever be for your husband, it's hard to see all the cute smiles and quirky saying from your boys and not share them with anyone else, it's hard to sleep by yourself and wake up in the middle of the night afraid of the dark, and it's hard not knowing how your husband is doing; what he is eating, how he is sleeping, what he is wearing, or if he is lonely when he is so far away...
I need to count my blessings that I have healthy kids, a husband that provides and a beautiful home to live in. I could be in a tragic situation of infertility, cancer, unemployment, death or divorce. I am grateful that those things are NOT a part of my life. It doesn't make the raw loneliness that I feel daily any better though. I just wonder what it would be like to have that "family dinner with dad" every night, or let Jared be Wesley's soccer coach this fall. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but the honest truth is that this time period is hard for us! I grew up in a single parent home and I never thought I would be going through the same thing. I do recognize that I am supported financially and emotionally by Jared, which makes all the difference. Then, why can't I allow that same feeling of security enter into my heart at night when I am alone?
I try to analyze and figure out what I can do to make up for Jared's presence and the emptiness that it brings: I need to get out in the community more, I need to find more projects that bring fulfillment, or perhaps hire a babysitter just so I can go shopping. But, those are all quick fixes. Why can't I find happiness in just being alone? Am I insecure as a woman? But, what is a girl to do when her best friend is so far away?
Off we are onto another week. I will adjust my attitude just a bit tonight as I start the bedtime routine and count my blessings that I do have good kids, the true gospel in my life and a hard working honey who is doing his best to provide for us. Just wish that we could be together.
So, this post is for you Jared Lowell Wilson. We miss you everyday that you are not here. We miss your laughing, your silly songs about dirty diapers, your liquados, your lucha libre, your energy, your calm disciplining, and your big brown eyes.
Please come home soon. I miss you. I need you.
Jared later on wrote:
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Here I am, 2 hours ahead in Chicago. I miss you just as much and want you to know I don't enjoy doing things alone, never have and I never will. You are my best friend, I appreciate you with out end. If any one could do this a long side me, it's you. If I could wrap my arms around you right now I would. I wish I was there to give you peace at night and rest from my energetic boys at night. We will be there soon, i'm certain. All in His time, but until then, I heart YOU!
14 comments:
Here I am, 2 hours ahead in Chicago. I miss you just as much and want you to know I don't enjoy doing things a lone, never have and I never will. You are my best friend, I appreciate you with out end. If any one could do this a long side me, it's you. If I could wrap my arms around you right now I would. I wish I was there to give you peace at night and rest from my energetic boys at night. We will be there soon, i'm certain. All in His time, but until then, I heart YOU!
Your blog made me cry! I can understand!
My sister is going through a similar situation and I see how hard it is on her every day. Dirk and I live right next to her so we help out when we can, but sometimes those kids just need their dad and my sister just wants needs her hubby!
You are a strong mama and before you guys know it, this will just be a memory that you can talk about. Jared is working so hard for you guys right now and that is such a blessing!!
You are awesome!
PS - love the post on your anniversary!! I love the Argentina pics especially. It's so awesome you two served in the MAN!
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'll keep you in my prayers....
awwww...I'm here crying too! i know how hard it must be and only want the best for you and your family!
For sure count your blessings and know that nothing stands in between you and jared! Say your prayers and be an example to those cute little boys...it can't be much longer!
I do have a spare room and you can spend the night whenever!! cable. chocolate brownies, and yummy dinners....anytime!! XXOO
I had a similar experience when Landon worked in Kansas City a couple of summers ago. It was hard work. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh? Makes you appreciate each other that much more. Hang in there.
OK...that made me cry! Then I cried harder when I read Jared's comment!!! I am so sorry!!! I can't imagine how hard it must be. Yes, there are worse trials...there always are situations when it could be worse, but it doesn't make your trial any easier. Maybe (and I'm sure you know this already) but maybe this is a time when you can build up your relationship with Heavenly Father. You don't have your husband, but you've got your HF, Jesus and the Comforter always with you.
I am saying lots of prayers for you. You will be a stronger woman when this is all said and done! Love you!
The saying that popped into my mind is, "It is not good that man should be alone." I think that's true for women as well. God intended us to be together--physically as well as spiritual and mentally--as family units. Since I haven't gotten to visit with you yet, I haven't been able to find out all the details on why you guys are living apart, but emotionally this has to be draining you. I don't know how it couldn't.
I worry for you and hope that you know we're just a valley away!
your blog, and now jared's comment are just pulling on my heart strings. you are one amazingly strong woman A, and i admire you so much! love you!
Ah, my good, sweet friend. You are an amazing woman! And the two of you are an amazing couple! I know you're right about looking back on this with gratitude that you made it. You are in the refiners fire and are being blessed to get through this trial.
I heart you too!
Well, you know I can relate. I just can't wait to see you next week and have you all to myself so we can cry it out together!!
It's good to know you are humane.
I feel ya, I do. Its hard wether its a long period of time or a short period of time...hopefully you will be able to look back at this time in life and it wont seem so miserable or at least as long as it does seem now.
I'm sorry you have to go through this...I love how honest you are, even if I haven't been through the same exact things I can relate in a lot of ways. You are doing great, hopefully you won't have to do it all for too much longer!!
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