Insomnia

It's 4:36am. I cannot sleep. House is quiet. All I hear are the fans blowing in each of our rooms. Outside I can see a few rays of sunlight beginning to come up. I went to bed at 11pm, but couldn't fall asleep until after midnight. Here I am again, my mind racing. I feel anxious. I hope this doesn't hurt my poppy seed baby.

Here's how I found out: I woke up at 5:30am yesterday and couldn't go back to sleep. Just thinking and obsessing with this baby thing. I was day #7 late with the baby and still no period. I decided to take yet another cheap dollar store pregnancy test. They had come out positive with baby Isaac, but three negatives in one week was very disappointing.

I peed on in the cup. I mainstreamed it. The pee was dark yellow, very concentrated. NEGATIVE AGAIN.I went back to bed disappointed. Decided to read my scriptures/Ensign. I had the idea that maybe the tests are not very strong in the HCG levels and I should take my expensive and ONLY First Response test (that Arianne told me about). I didn't want to waste the money, but isn't my curiosity worth 3 bucks? I told Jared about the negative test. He kept telling me to wait until Sunday. NO! I don't expect him to understand. I wanted to take tests BEFORE I was late...so, really it's been weeks of wanting to know. weeks!

I decided to take my second morning pee (SMP). I was nervous. Could I trickle out enough? Trying to get kids ready for school too...breakfast, beds, hair, lunches, etc. I go into the other bathroom b/c Jared is in ours.

I squeeze and push out just enough to barely wet the stick. oh no! Did I not get enough? I am super sad b/c I just wasted another test! I didn't pee enough to see the original line show up! What the heck! Then the second line shows up. I look harder and I can see what looks like a scratch. Could that be the second line? I look at it closer. I move it around in the sunlight coming through the window. Is that a second line? It looks like it!

I hop off the toilet. I forget to wipe. I run to Jared. I give him the test and say, "What do you think?" He looks at it and says, "Yep, you are pregnant. I told you were pregnant." I wanted to jump up and down and squeeze him! He was still on the toilet...not gonna happen. I asked him if he was nervous b/c we don't have a job or insurance. He said that he wasn't. He said that just yesterday he was thinking that maybe we should wait. Then he got a CONFIRMATION that there is no need to wait. Perfect I say!

I am thrilled. I am so excited to have another child to add to our family. I am so so so ready. I keep seeing babies and pregnant bellies and hear of families having 7 children...I want that too!

On my mind:

1. Pregnant

2. Teaching school

3. New 1300 calorie diet

4. House hunting

5. Employment for Jared and selling Tacoma

First of all, I am starving. I have been starving for 4 days now. I go to sleep hungry, I wake up hungry. My tummy grumbles and complains. I have been doing this 1300 calorie diet, and pretty much obsessed over my food intake. This can't continue for forever...especially now that I am pregnant! I am so darn excited. But, how do I balance and manage it all? I just ate a banana...now I wonder if I need to go run it off? Can I eat cottage cheese, lunch meats or fruit? Why no protein shakes? Only chicken and egg whites all day long? Where is the joy in food? I have dropped 3 lbs since starting a week ago. I start this pregnancy at 125lbs.

Good thing my good friend Jennie Souders is in it with me. 5am workouts. Texting about food cravings and calories. Swapping recipes for new protein ideas and obsessing about all of it together!

I also got offered a full time teaching job for next year at ACA, the 5th grade position. I was hesitant at first b/c I really want to get back at being at home. But, now that Jared still doesn't have a job, we really could use the insurance and income. I went in yesterday to talk to Heather and she gave me that option, or a jr high "gray area" teaching where I would need to be very flexible and teach up to 6 classes a day (with no prep?). On the elementary side, I could work with the same girl I helped hire, Victoria Simmons, and we could do a block schedule.

Am I up for that challenge? Can I work full time and go through an entire pregnancy all over again? Things on my mind: classroom management, setting up the room, curriculum, will I get bored or overwhelmed by being stuck inside all day? Passing the two AEPA tests. Grades, parent teacher conferences, the education my boys will receive, and drama. I got Austin tested for early K and I think he passed. Tough questions: what are windows made out of? Draw me a circle. What letters are these (he said P was a G). Re-tell me the story of the five little ducklings after reading this book. Write your name. Hop on one foot. If this is the first, then this is the _. I really felt like Mrs. Sandoval was supportive and was pretty easy on him.

This computer may have a virus as well. Danger screens keep popping up. Jared will have to work on it. I opened up a peeonastick website for my pregnancy test yesterday and this is the results I got! No good.

Who will watch Isaac once I go to work? Who will watch the baby once she/he is born? My mom or Olga? How will we make it work financially? Where will Jared be working?

We may have found a home. 160K for 3000 sq ft. Shutters, granite counters, landscaped backyard. The lady is only looking out for numero uno, so not sure if she'd be stripping her place clean (the travertine in the backyard? The bbq grill? The dishwasher? For real?) Will she foreclose or short sell so we can get it at a good price?

I hear footsteps. Wesley for sure. Me desperte tempranito para jugar video games. Puedo leerlo. He is now on my lap reading about his name. He has sleep wrinkles on his face. Morning yummy breath. No shirt on. Hair standing up.

So.....pregnant, home, school, working out. Lots of things to think about.