infertile

My thoughts:

Started Aunt Flo again. I am feeling so frustrated, sad, discouraged and upset. Why can't Jared and I get pregnant? It's been almost a full YEAR since we began this journey. I feel like everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant, yet I go month after month still waiting for our time. I feel frustrated b/c I feel like this is a righteous desire that we have. It makes me question myself as a mother. Does God see me as an unfit parent? Does he feel like I would not do a good job having 4 kids to raise? Am I only meant to have 3? Yet, I feel so strongly that our family is not done.

At first we were hoping to be in the FBI, and with Jared's 5 month potential "training," it would be hard to have a baby if he were to be gone. Well, when that dream evaporated, it only made sense for me to go ahead and get prego without having that FBI time line. Then, Jared couldn't get work. 10 months of waiting, applying, praying, fasting, blah blah blah...nothing. It only seemed like another reason to wait for a baby; because we didn't have any health insurance.

So, I got hired back on as a teacher with my school...and insurance was then provided. Why o why can we not get prego now??? I feel as though we have had plenty of opportunities for "growth" and "patience" this last year. I am not getting any younger, after having just turned 31. Isaac is now 20 months old...do I really have to have such a large gap in between siblings? I remember wanting to be prego by December of last year, when we went to visit my mom in Argentina. I wanted to surprise her with the "great news." That was such a long time ago...and here I am with an empty womb.

It's such an embarrassing thing to even want to admit. We already have 3 wonderful children. I love them. I want more. I want to share that love. I want to have a large family. Jared feels the same.

The thought crossed our minds that perhaps we will never get prego again. Does that mean we are to look into adoption? I went on the LDS family services website and browsed through some of the profiles. What a hard waiting game for any family. Waiting to be picked by some sweet mother. Trying to "sell" yourself on why YOU are the perfect match for her unborn child. Trying to prove what a perfect life you could provide for the baby. I am not opposed to adoption, but I've never really thought of it as an option.

So...here's to yet another month of playing the waiting game. I bought some ovulation kits this time around and perhaps that will give me a better idea of what to expect. I also scheduled an appt with an OBGYN to get further advice.

Here we go again.

No comments are necessary. I feel like I have heard it all....again and again and again.