My sweet peanut is already 11 days old. I keep snapping pictures throughout the day, knowing that these weeks are going to FLY by. I am so sad about him growing up so quickly! Even at 3am, I love picking him up, letting him snuggle and squeak into my neck and stretch out his wrinkly legs. He lost his umbilical cord today. The boys were so excited. "He's an outie!" Wesley told me. What a cute little button he has on his belly now.
Lobster-like grip: This nursing business has been rough with Levi. He has a very strong suck, but not the patience to wait for the milk to 'let down.' The result? He sucks, gnaws, rips and then lets go of the nipple before the milk comes. He will do this several times, while I just gasp for air and try to breathe through the pain. I have to force him back on just in time for the milk to squirt all over him. The pain continues as it shoots down to my legs and makes my toes curl. IT HURTS SO BAD. I am trying to just endure, knowing that is has to get better! I finally bought a pump for some relief from the pain, which he loves to guzzle down. It would be so much easier to just feed him a bottle all the time, but I know how much I do love nursing my babies...so...I will continue to just wither away from the pain every 2.5 hours. His lobster-like grip is more than I can bare sometimes. It's humbling b/c I thought I was a pro at nursing, especially when we started in the NICU. Now, I am wondering how I am going to get through this! Each time I nurse, the other boob is screaming to the other, "leave me alone! Don't come over here!"
Boogyman: I was alone last week while Jared took an overnight stay in Tucson for work. In the past, when I have been alone, I have been able to manage my over-active brain. But, this go around, I was awake throughout the night with Levi and Isaac. So...my imagination TOOK OVER. I had the weirdest thoughts about someone breaking in to abduct my newborn, to having strangers watching me in the night, etc. The Boogyman was so real to me at 3am! It was very scary for me, especially knowing how much I wanted to protect my sweet little boys. Isaac was up 3 x's, simultaneously with Levi. It was a rough night as I only got 2 hours of consecutive sleep and then only 30 min cat naps in between. I was deliriously thinking crazy thoughts about the dark and I didn't like it one bit! I suppose I might just turn all the lights on in the house next time!
Peanut Butter: During my pregnancy I felt so proud of myself b/c my sweet tooth had LEFT ME ALONE. I felt such will power against chocolate and candy and cookies. I felt that perhaps I had finally won my battle of a love vs hate food relationship. NOPE. My sugar tooth has come back...and hard core. I find myself craving all sorts of sugar; brownies, cookie dough, chocolate, etc. I have rid my house of the sweet stuff, but now I am devouring peanut butter!!! Each Tablespoon brings forth so much guilt :( I have been eating it by the spoon full. So much for self control.
Cardio: Cold Stone ice cream, peanut butter, juice, boston cream pie...all of these things encourage me to hit the gym! I went back to the gym a week after delivering Levi. I got a lot of looks from my accquaintances at the gym. Everyone wanted to know how the baby was, how big, what am I doing back already, etc. I went four times this week, only one of them included lifting weights and doing a full body. The other three I have been doing cardio on the stair climber, incline or elliptical. A low key sweat, nothing extreme or dangerous for my healing body. It does make me feel so good to have ability to bend down, stretch, do sit ups and suck 'it' in! Gotta keep on that wagon of good health, mental and physical. I am so emotionally happy when I work out!!
Baby Blues: I have been in a funk. I have no real reason for these emotions. I can only put them into the "baby blues" category where my hormones are trying to regulate and I have YET to have a good cry since giving birth to Levi. I have a beautiful family of four boys, good health, a great recovery, food in my fridge, a clean home, loving marriage and strong faith. Then WHY do I feel down, bored, without purpose and the need to control control control. I am sure I am also needing more sleep, so I try to squeeze in a 20 min. cat nap a day (if Isaac and Levi coordinate schedules). Just not sure when I feel will more like myself. I suppose once we get into the school routine, I am getting dressed into clothing that fit (vs. my small maternity clothing), I am doing my hair (vs. the pony tail) and we have more security in Jared's career path...maybe I will feel better. Just not sure. I need to stay away from the scale. I have lost 20 lbs, but have 15 to go.
I feel squishy.
2 comments:
OH! The nursing pains! I felt them E.V.E.R.Y. time I had a new baby. Yes, he is your 4th, but those boobs don't get this kind of use and abuse unless you have a newborn. You're my hero in pushing through...much stronger than I was. It will be worth it...in a few weeks...when there are callouses and no more clogged milk ducts.
you write all the range of emotions after a baby so well. You capture the struggles and joys of motherhood too. I hear you and I hope you are doing better.
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