After taking a lovely 5 day gettaway to Palm Springs for DirectBuy, and leaving my kids with abuelo and abuela, you think that I would have extra motivation to a super mom and have so much patience that the slightest thing would not bother me...not the case!
I have only broken down in tears today twice now. Jared always thinks it is [that time of the month], when really cannot a girl just need to cry once in a while? Not sure what got to me today, was it the screaming of Austin as Wesley took away his birthday toys and held them up above his head so he could not reach them? Perhaps it was the three pee spot on our nasty apartment carpet that got under my skin. When I had left for Cali 5 days ago, Austin was telling me when he had to go pee and we were working on the poop thing....he might as well be in a diaper all over again. How frustrating is that one! Maybe my dirty and cluttered apartment is finally caving in on me. I find now motivation to really get down and clean it, and the fact that our vaccum busted b-c of the cheapness and quality of carpet does not help.
I find myself looking forward to nap time and more importantly, bedtime these days! When will the days come when I can wash my clothing whenever I want and not have to sneak away to a laundry facility to do so? When will I own more than 1 towel per person in my family and can spoil myself by using an extra towel to dry my hair (every other towel has been packed away for 7 months now), when will I go out and buy a new set of pots and pans and not continue to use the same 2 pots for everything I cook around here (that is a lot of re washing if you can imagine). When will I actually be able to put my clothing away and not stack it up in piles on the foor?
I think what makes this transition emotional for me, is that I am still trying to find myself and find a good quality of life....since when did a cozy and clean home mean so much to me? Or how about those friends that I continue to pray for? When will I see Jared for more than 1 hour day or be able to speak to him before 10pm? When will Austin be potty trained and not drive me crazy anymore with his accidents! When will Wesley stop acting like a lion around the house and provoke his brother!
It is thoughts like these that remind me that I am not ready for baby #3
3 comments:
Meltdowns are absolutely not evidence of bad motherhood. Stress comes with the territory and everyone has days when they wake up and want to cry before the kids are even awake, trust me. You are not alone!
Hang in there sister!!! Life has it's ups and downs, hopefully you are going to have a really long streak of ups. Soon that new house will be lived it by the wonderful Adrienne, and family. You will be able to put the kids outside and have some peace doing laundry. We are coming to visit soon, October 14, can't wait and Jaxson is going to be so surprised!! Love ya and miss you all. Abby
I'm so sorry it's been such a rough one. Sometimes I'm not quite sure I have a big enough reason to provoke the frustration I feel inside, but it's there! I know it will pass for you- remember to be specific in what you're praying for and you won't feel alone. Your angels are there lady, use them! I love you, I hope things are looking up soon!
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