baseball and birthday

Wesley ended his Spring t-ball season. He loved playing his last game in the big Surprise Stadium. The trophy, free ice cream cone and certificate made his entire week. He immediately took home the trophy to wash it with soap, sleep with it under his pillow and take it to school to show his friends. I love his natural excitement. He loves throwing anythings; dirty laundry, balls, shoes and stuffed animals around. He can't wait for more sports; soccer, swim, and basketball.








We loved taking Leslie out for her 3-4 birthday. A great Thai restaurant, clean comedy and friendships made it a fun night. I wanted to embarrass her, but she stayed under the radar all night. I love any excuse to put on some bling jeans, high wedges and extra glitter.

Insomnia

It's 4:36am. I cannot sleep. House is quiet. All I hear are the fans blowing in each of our rooms. Outside I can see a few rays of sunlight beginning to come up. I went to bed at 11pm, but couldn't fall asleep until after midnight. Here I am again, my mind racing. I feel anxious. I hope this doesn't hurt my poppy seed baby.

Here's how I found out: I woke up at 5:30am yesterday and couldn't go back to sleep. Just thinking and obsessing with this baby thing. I was day #7 late with the baby and still no period. I decided to take yet another cheap dollar store pregnancy test. They had come out positive with baby Isaac, but three negatives in one week was very disappointing.

I peed on in the cup. I mainstreamed it. The pee was dark yellow, very concentrated. NEGATIVE AGAIN.I went back to bed disappointed. Decided to read my scriptures/Ensign. I had the idea that maybe the tests are not very strong in the HCG levels and I should take my expensive and ONLY First Response test (that Arianne told me about). I didn't want to waste the money, but isn't my curiosity worth 3 bucks? I told Jared about the negative test. He kept telling me to wait until Sunday. NO! I don't expect him to understand. I wanted to take tests BEFORE I was late...so, really it's been weeks of wanting to know. weeks!

I decided to take my second morning pee (SMP). I was nervous. Could I trickle out enough? Trying to get kids ready for school too...breakfast, beds, hair, lunches, etc. I go into the other bathroom b/c Jared is in ours.

I squeeze and push out just enough to barely wet the stick. oh no! Did I not get enough? I am super sad b/c I just wasted another test! I didn't pee enough to see the original line show up! What the heck! Then the second line shows up. I look harder and I can see what looks like a scratch. Could that be the second line? I look at it closer. I move it around in the sunlight coming through the window. Is that a second line? It looks like it!

I hop off the toilet. I forget to wipe. I run to Jared. I give him the test and say, "What do you think?" He looks at it and says, "Yep, you are pregnant. I told you were pregnant." I wanted to jump up and down and squeeze him! He was still on the toilet...not gonna happen. I asked him if he was nervous b/c we don't have a job or insurance. He said that he wasn't. He said that just yesterday he was thinking that maybe we should wait. Then he got a CONFIRMATION that there is no need to wait. Perfect I say!

I am thrilled. I am so excited to have another child to add to our family. I am so so so ready. I keep seeing babies and pregnant bellies and hear of families having 7 children...I want that too!

On my mind:

1. Pregnant

2. Teaching school

3. New 1300 calorie diet

4. House hunting

5. Employment for Jared and selling Tacoma

First of all, I am starving. I have been starving for 4 days now. I go to sleep hungry, I wake up hungry. My tummy grumbles and complains. I have been doing this 1300 calorie diet, and pretty much obsessed over my food intake. This can't continue for forever...especially now that I am pregnant! I am so darn excited. But, how do I balance and manage it all? I just ate a banana...now I wonder if I need to go run it off? Can I eat cottage cheese, lunch meats or fruit? Why no protein shakes? Only chicken and egg whites all day long? Where is the joy in food? I have dropped 3 lbs since starting a week ago. I start this pregnancy at 125lbs.

Good thing my good friend Jennie Souders is in it with me. 5am workouts. Texting about food cravings and calories. Swapping recipes for new protein ideas and obsessing about all of it together!

I also got offered a full time teaching job for next year at ACA, the 5th grade position. I was hesitant at first b/c I really want to get back at being at home. But, now that Jared still doesn't have a job, we really could use the insurance and income. I went in yesterday to talk to Heather and she gave me that option, or a jr high "gray area" teaching where I would need to be very flexible and teach up to 6 classes a day (with no prep?). On the elementary side, I could work with the same girl I helped hire, Victoria Simmons, and we could do a block schedule.

Am I up for that challenge? Can I work full time and go through an entire pregnancy all over again? Things on my mind: classroom management, setting up the room, curriculum, will I get bored or overwhelmed by being stuck inside all day? Passing the two AEPA tests. Grades, parent teacher conferences, the education my boys will receive, and drama. I got Austin tested for early K and I think he passed. Tough questions: what are windows made out of? Draw me a circle. What letters are these (he said P was a G). Re-tell me the story of the five little ducklings after reading this book. Write your name. Hop on one foot. If this is the first, then this is the _. I really felt like Mrs. Sandoval was supportive and was pretty easy on him.

This computer may have a virus as well. Danger screens keep popping up. Jared will have to work on it. I opened up a peeonastick website for my pregnancy test yesterday and this is the results I got! No good.

Who will watch Isaac once I go to work? Who will watch the baby once she/he is born? My mom or Olga? How will we make it work financially? Where will Jared be working?

We may have found a home. 160K for 3000 sq ft. Shutters, granite counters, landscaped backyard. The lady is only looking out for numero uno, so not sure if she'd be stripping her place clean (the travertine in the backyard? The bbq grill? The dishwasher? For real?) Will she foreclose or short sell so we can get it at a good price?

I hear footsteps. Wesley for sure. Me desperte tempranito para jugar video games. Puedo leerlo. He is now on my lap reading about his name. He has sleep wrinkles on his face. Morning yummy breath. No shirt on. Hair standing up.

So.....pregnant, home, school, working out. Lots of things to think about.

Graduation

Our big 4 year old.
Isaac wanted to be part of the crowd. Austin did a great job singing along with his classmates, "Bumble Bee" songs and "Days of the week." It was touching.
Ms. Kim and Ms. Jesika. Austin and I both loved them..what preparations they always made to make the kids feel so special.
Austin was so happy to have his medallion. Took it right home to wash it, sleep with it and adore it.
Wesley helped himself to 6 brownies and 5 rice crispies. Seriously? He takes after his own mama with such as sugar tooth.

Finding the best seat...literally on the front steps.


Austin is officially going into Kindergarten. At the time that we attended his, "Ready, Set, GO!" Preschool graduation, I was thinking about putting him for another year with the same teachers. We loved Ms. Jesika and Ms. Kim. They were always so genuinely happy to see the kids and really made efforts with fun field trips and class songs. Now that I am working full time next year, he will be attending ACA along with Wesley. Austin is going to be a Kindergartner! His birthday is at the end of Sept, so he misses it by a few weeks. I was thinking physically it'd be better for him to be taller going into school, but I guess he will continue to be our little firecracker.

He was tested for early Kinder and I was nervous with those questions! He had to point out certain letters, write his name, re-tell a story from a book, draw circles and squares, etc. I am so glad he had exposure to it in Pre-K b/c I know I didn't do that at home! I feel like Wesley was more prepared b/c he had the extra year, but I also feel like Austin will do great b/c he has been exposed to it through his older brother. He loves to rhyme words and ask what things start with.

I am not ready for my boys to be so grown up!

Mother's Day

Homemade cards
Breakfast in bed
Wild flowers picked by Austin
Cute new Silver ruffle pumps
Kisses, whining, rushing to get ready for church
Sleeping in 'til 7:30am
Wesley gave me soap salts from school and a card that read, "Thanks mom for making me breakfast."
Austin gave me a camoflauge pillow that had his handprint and name stitched in.

Overall, a great Mother's Day!

Fitness 101

Technology is great. As I am typing this out, I am laying out in the Phoenix sun (95 degree) in my backyard. Laptops are so portable! I get too anxious just sweating away in the sun and feeling unproductive, so what a better way to pass the time than by blogging! I can't tell if it's sweat trickling down my legs, or ants crawling around...either way, it's nice to get a bit of color. Wrangler is by my side rolling around in the grass, scratching his itchy back (from laying in the dirt) and sneezing.

Nothing new to report unfortunately. Jared is still unemployed and looking for work. The rejection from the FBI has been a hard one to swallow. He was so prepared emotionally and physically (scoring a 30 on the PT test! He could run a 1.5 mile in a little over 9 minutes, pump out 80 push ups non stop, 65 sit ups in a second, etc). My ACA school year is officially over, with graduation happening yesterday. I will teach 3 weeks of summer school in June and my older boys even get to come with me! I will teach a HS/JR high writing course.

I went to the gym this morning, after having over eaten last night some homemade Mexican food...the guilt motivates me to sweat off the extra fat and calories. I pushed myself hard in a spin class, and then saw that Troy, a phenomenal trainer at my gym was alone (for once!). I had taken my body fat earlier that morning (18.1%, not sure how accurate it is?) and had some questions for him....

I have been working out all wrong! As many of you may know, I have been a dedicated gym goer since I was a senior in high school. I would take my mom's Bally Fitness card and work out (so dishonest, I know). I have had a love/hate relationship with the gym ever since...and have been teaching at one since 2004. I love the workouts, I hate the pain.

For anyone who likes to work out...continue reading...

I know that a lower heart rate encourages a higher fat burn. I know this, but I forget it. Once I am in those intense classes (kickboxing, spin,), or sprinting at a 10.3 on the treadmill...all I can think about is ENDURANCE, DEDICATION, DISCIPLINE, DETERMINATION, A GOAL. I want to push myself 'til failure and I feel stronger for doing so.

Troy set me straight. I need to be doing a lower burning heart rate (130) vs my intense 160-180. I have been doing this heart rate for YEARS. It's the dumb way to burn calories! For all of us women obsessed with calorie burning, we are doing it all wrong! Unless you are a terrible eater, you need to be doing less intensity. Less is more! From a 25% fat burning zone to a 75% zone.

My sweat is trickling onto my laptop. Am I even getting a tan? I still am pasty white.

Troy had me hop onto a stair master for 3 min, level 8. My heart rate was at a 180. I then put it to a level 4 (quite boring and slow), it went down to 130. This is where I need to be at for fat burning and getting leaner.

I feel like I have been in a workout rut. There are seasons where I am super good about weight training, and no cardio. Or, I do 6 classes a week and no weight training in the gym. I just need to find some balance. This is why a personal trainer would be ideal. They keep you accountable, they give you diet advice (lots of which I know, but choose to not follow b/c I have little self control with carbs and sugar....ugh), and they know when to switch up your routine.

I would love to tone up the belly fat (I have super strong abs, but they are hidden underneath the mama pooch), and tighten up my triceps. Nothing too crazy. Just want my clothes to fit better around the waistline.

But, who can afford a personal trainer? I know we can't. Another thing, is that I feel like Jared and I are in decent shape and know a lot about diet and fitness. As though we are "too knowledgeable" for a trainer. But....there's always room for improvement!

This is where a great idea was presented to me. On-line fitness training with Troy! I am not promoting him, although I wish I could get some discount for doing so (LOL). It just sounds like something Jared and I could really benefit from. He gives you your workouts every day, analyzes you diet, text/emails daily, and a phone call once a week for support. I can have the accountability of a trainer, I know how to use the machines and what form to use, and now I can have someone else do the thinking for me. I need to be eating way more protein in my diet and less carbs (no more licuados full of bananas, juice and granola). It's hard boiled egg whites and hummus for me.

I want to start his program as soon as I can, which won't be until Jared gets a job. But, for Father's Day...this is what Jared is going to do for the next 3 months. I am super excited. He needs something to lift up his spirits and give him purpose at the gym, now that the PT exam is no longer relevant. Troy said that he has been watching Jared workout, and he is not doing a lot of exercises properly to build up the muscles.

So....a long story short...I have a great gift for Jared. I am also a bit more motivated to be aware of what food I put into my body, I will aim for a lower heart rate (130 for 60 minutes) and I am going to drink a protein shake right after a workout now (which I haven't been doing), and maintain a 1300 calorie diet per day. (Calorie counting will be the key!).

Jennie Souders is my workout partner...a great motivator and friend.

Hold me accountable dear friends and family!

Now if only we could find a job.

Answers

Answers

Today we received one that we did not want to have

Or accept

Devastated
Frustrated
Sad
Heartbroken

Why?
What could we have done differently?
What to do now?
How long until we will know what our NEXT step is?
How many more prayers, fasts, and temple visits do we need to keep doing?

I guess more.
Many more.
Until the peace comes.

It doesn't matter what the question was. It only matters that we have our answer.

So....the battle continues. Between faith and doubt.

Life is meant to be up and back down. I feel like we have had a lot of slow declining hills.... almost a year of them.

I still count my blessings: Jared, Wesley, Austin, and Isaac.
They are what matter to me.
I have a healthy body, I am employed, we have truth and knowledge, and a fridge full of food.

Still doesn't make the discouragement go completely away.
Time does heal raw wounds. I am grateful that this is a smaller wound.
Could always be worse.

I pray that it won't be worse.

Hang in there.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Father and Sons

Jared took the boys on the Father and Son's campout for our ward. Wish I knew more details and had more pictures...but, even taking the pictures was asking a lot! Looks like they had fun with the horeshoes, suckers, peeing in trees and campfires. It's always low key when mama is not there to stress everyone out and make things sanitized.